Rambling

Days seem to come and go, But they all blur together. I am still trying to make sense of it all. I pray everyday for understanding and peace. I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now, I can almost say numb. But I have to get through this I have two beautiful that still need their momma. This fog I am walking in has to lift.

A new pet peeve that I have found is I really hate when people ask "How are you doing?" I know they all mean well but truly what do they want me to say to that. I just want to scream the truth at them, but instead I smile and nod my head and say "I'm fine", " doing as well as can be expected". what's up with that. When some one asks me I always think back to that scene in "Steel Magnolias" after the funeral for Shelby, when Sally Fields blows up in front of her friends. That is what I wish I could do.

I am surviving just one day at a time. I know it will get easier in time but right now I just don't know.

Why?

It's hard to believe it has been four weeks since I saw my sons beautiful face. God how I miss it, his smile, his laugh and gorgeous curls.

I wake up everyday wishing someone would wake me up out of this nightmare. I feel like everyday is a blur, I'm only going through the motions of my world.

Everything I know tells me I should be angry, sad and heartbroken, but I feel numb. Numb, Nothing. I cant really explain because at the same time i feel nothing, I feel every emotion possible.

I am so angry I want to throw things til there's nothing let to break. I want to curl up in a ball and cry til I have nothing left to give. I want to know WHY? and at the same time I don't care, I just want my son back. I want to hear him burst through the front door and call out to me "Momma, can I have some money". I never thought I would miss those words but man do I.

I know I can be strong and my faith in God keeps me grounded but I wish I could just fall apart, even for just a little while. I am tired of being strong but the rest of my family needs me to be strong.

3 Weeks

Three weeks have gone by sine Robert passed away and I feel like life is......
I don't know I just feel like I'm going through the motions everyday. Life just seems unfair to me right now. It seems wrong that I get to walk this earth when my beautiful son cannot.
I know my head tells me it will get better, but my heart just can't stop hurting.
I find that I still look at my cell phone looking for that text from him and wondering why it's not there. This can't be true, it has to be a bad nightmare that I can't seem to arouse from.

Most days I cant find the strength to even get dressed or shower. I try for the sake of my family but just going to a friends house the other day sent me into a panic. I shouldn't be having fun, my son can't so why should I. This keeps running through my mind. Even though I know better, I can't help it. I try to force myself to do things and it feels like those around me want the old Vanessa back. I have to tell you I don't know if she will come back. I don't even remember her much. I am consumed with the pain in my heart and don't know how to get past it.

Everywhere I look, I see Robert and I AM ANGRY. Angry that he was taken from me, angry that he was taken from his family that loved him so. I know he is with Jesus and for that I am grateful. But no one asked what I wanted because I wanted him here with me for the rest of MY life.

I miss him so much. Robert was the light in my life that saved me when I was young. When I had him I realized that there was more to life than what I wanted. He showed me how to love someone with my whole heart from the moment I knew he existed. He is with my Lord and with my parents this I know yet it doesn't make it any easier.

Dear God, please give me strength.

I am sorry as I read it over my thoughts bounce around. I am in a place that both confuses and frustrates me .

Spirits?

A few mights ago I had a vision? Maybe a dream?

I was tire so I went to bed early last Thursday night. At some point i can remember trying to turn over and unable because the blanket was stuck. I can't say if I opened my eyes or was dreaming but it felt so real. What i saw was my father in law, sitting on the edge of the bed and on my blanket. i should probably share that he passed away over two years ago. he just sat there with a peaceful look on his face. A few moments latter i heard a noise in the room and saw my husband walking to the bathroom, I remember rolling over and saying, "hey, you dad was just here." .

In the morning before I fulling awoke, my husband kissed me goodbye and said I love you. then as I tried to snuggle my face back into my pillow and go back to sleep I heard some one from behind me say "Mom". I sat straight up and looked around, I was alone in the room except for my two little puppies. My boys were in their rooms. The voice I heard was Robert's. I can swear it.

Two visits in one night. I could be crazy, or maybe just miss them. But I think its neither. Why my father in law and not my Dad? I believe he came to me to ensure that I was OK, that I am strong enough to take care of the boys yet in my hair. I heard Robert calling me for reasons I don't know. But I have to believe that my loved ones are together and watching over me and my boys (all three of them, including my hubby).

My heart and soul misses Robert so much there are moments I can't stand it and want to lash out. People mean well with their words of concern such as "in time things will get better", "I understand what you're going through." I know they want to help but these words only make me angry.

Because will things really be better in time, are they implying that someday that void in my heart and soul will go away. Really?
And no one truly understands what I am going through unless they have lost a child so young. I pray that this pain is received by anyone I love or know. its unbearable most of the time.

Please don't say I'm strong, because I'm not. I am just a good actress.

Time.

As I sit here, I come to the realization that it has been two weeks since I lost my son. I cannot explain the ache I have in my heart.

I know that time will make things better but I still can't believe the events of the past few weeks. I am off of work for now to heal not only from my foot surgery but to cope with the loss of my Robert.

I never in my wildest of wildest dreams or nightmares believed I could still be standing through all of this.
But I know I have an army of friends and family that love me and my husband and our two boys. Without them I do not know what I would have done.

now I am left with memories and pictures.

My focus is on Trevor and Kevin, Robert's younger brothers. I can't get enough of them right now. They occupy my thoughts and make me smile. They are the most wonderful gifts I have. They remind me of the happy moments with Robert and I see him in their smile.

Do you know that I have never seen a YOOHOO truck in my town and in the past week I have seen 2. I'd like to think its my son saying "I miss you Mom, and I'm right here."

God's Gift

I can recall many people who have told Robert that he had a special gift and that he had work to do here for God. His very first job was rescuing me.

Well I would like to tell everyone that he must've had many jobs to do for God because, let me tell you about one of the greatest gifts God gave me.

During the summer of 1990, I realized I was pregnant. I will admit that for a while I was scared. I would ask how can I do this, even more so when Robert's biological father walked away from both of us. As the months went by, I had no doubt that my life was going to change but the fear I felt initially was gone. I knew from the moment I found out I was pregnant that I would have a boy. And as I tried to decide upon his name my first thought was to name him after his dad. That idea only lasted a couple of days, because that was all it took to decide to give him the name of the greatest man I had known, my Dad. So then on Tuesday morning March 26, 1991 at about 2:22 AM Robert Earl Weaver came into my life.

I feel that you should know he has always been late for everything. From school to work even way back when he was born. He was supposed to be born on March 17 (St. Patrick's day) but NO he had to make us all wait, especially me.

That's OK, I waited, and when he finally came I couldn't believe that God had given me such a precious gift, he was beautiful, he was perfect (still is).

I have accepted that he is gone from my presence but he will never be gone from my life and my heart. Some moments are better than others. Its those moments when I can think of him and smile that I try and hold onto.
Like when a Taylor Swift song comes on the radio and I can hear him sitting in the seat next to me in the car singing. and Strangely enough when I look at his Hooka pipe or bong(not sure what it's called) I can think back to a couple weeks before his accident and smile at the evening he got me to try something new (he always made fun of me because I wouldn't try anything new), and we just sat in the back yard and talked for over an hour while we smoked on that peace pipe.

I will always thank God for the friendship Robert and I developed these past few months. My heart will never be whole again but I know Robert would want me to be strong for his brothers sake.

I want to thank God for the 19 years he gave me with my son, though I would have liked more, I am eternally grateful for every moment I had with him.

Til we meet again Son, Momma loves you with all her heart.