Days seem to come and go, But they all blur together. I am still trying to make sense of it all. I pray everyday for understanding and peace. I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now, I can almost say numb. But I have to get through this I have two beautiful that still need their momma. This fog I am walking in has to lift.
A new pet peeve that I have found is I really hate when people ask "How are you doing?" I know they all mean well but truly what do they want me to say to that. I just want to scream the truth at them, but instead I smile and nod my head and say "I'm fine", " doing as well as can be expected". what's up with that. When some one asks me I always think back to that scene in "Steel Magnolias" after the funeral for Shelby, when Sally Fields blows up in front of her friends. That is what I wish I could do.
I am surviving just one day at a time. I know it will get easier in time but right now I just don't know.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Why?
It's hard to believe it has been four weeks since I saw my sons beautiful face. God how I miss it, his smile, his laugh and gorgeous curls.
I wake up everyday wishing someone would wake me up out of this nightmare. I feel like everyday is a blur, I'm only going through the motions of my world.
Everything I know tells me I should be angry, sad and heartbroken, but I feel numb. Numb, Nothing. I cant really explain because at the same time i feel nothing, I feel every emotion possible.
I am so angry I want to throw things til there's nothing let to break. I want to curl up in a ball and cry til I have nothing left to give. I want to know WHY? and at the same time I don't care, I just want my son back. I want to hear him burst through the front door and call out to me "Momma, can I have some money". I never thought I would miss those words but man do I.
I know I can be strong and my faith in God keeps me grounded but I wish I could just fall apart, even for just a little while. I am tired of being strong but the rest of my family needs me to be strong.
I wake up everyday wishing someone would wake me up out of this nightmare. I feel like everyday is a blur, I'm only going through the motions of my world.
Everything I know tells me I should be angry, sad and heartbroken, but I feel numb. Numb, Nothing. I cant really explain because at the same time i feel nothing, I feel every emotion possible.
I am so angry I want to throw things til there's nothing let to break. I want to curl up in a ball and cry til I have nothing left to give. I want to know WHY? and at the same time I don't care, I just want my son back. I want to hear him burst through the front door and call out to me "Momma, can I have some money". I never thought I would miss those words but man do I.
I know I can be strong and my faith in God keeps me grounded but I wish I could just fall apart, even for just a little while. I am tired of being strong but the rest of my family needs me to be strong.
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