I can't believe how time has flown by. its already February 2011.

I have to start on a positive note. I love being in Arizona. The hospital I work in is amazing, and the people I work with are from a different planet. Everyone here is thoughtful with one another and they help each other. I have felt welcome from day one. I keep waiting for someone to yell at me for something but they don't. when you drive around people smile and wave at you, there is always someone asking if they can help. I never knew people could be this way. In California people are always in too much of a hurry to care about anyone else or any thing other than them selves. This is awe inspiring to be a part of.
My family seems to love it here as well. The boys have school only Monday through Thursday, thought I would hate that but its kind of nice. Waiting to see what will come of my husband dream to open a restaurant.

On the negative note I still feel kind lost. I can't seem to find the shore in this lake I'm in. I wear a smile on my face and push on through the day as if all is well. I feel as if I have been lost and no one knows where to find me or even cares if I make it through. It's hard sometimes. I left what few friends I had behind and haven't really made any here. Not any I would bring in close to my heart. As wonderful and nice as the people here are, I still feel like an outsider, even in my home. I don't know what to do to create a change in me or my life. It truly feels as if I am walking a fine line between normal and insane, and it doesn't help when I have to keep things bottled up inside. I know my family doesn't want to know when I'm in pain or that something hurts physically, I know this because I see the tune out on my families faces or the wonderful eye roll. So I have stopped voicing my aches and pains and suffer in silence and just say I'm OK when asked. As for what I think about anything in particular, I need to learn to keep those opinions to myself they only start fights, every stinking time.

No one need leave advice I just need a place to go where I am not judged and I chose my blog to do it in.