Friends

I have to admit that I have had trouble all my life when it came to friends. When I was growing up I was truly a bitch to my friends. Supposedly for their own good and my need for control. As a young adult, i catered to my friends, so much so that they came before my needs or the needs of my family. The old adage came true "you reap what you sow." I screwed my friends in high school and then my friends screwed me right back in adulthood.

I gave up on having friends when i married my husband. After all he was my best friend. the last friend i had hurt me so deep i didn't ever what another friend that could do that to me and that could make me feel as awful. She was the maid of honor at my wedding and a year later our friendship was tested and couldn't survive. I was crushed, a part of me still is.

I decided that i no longer needed any other friends until recently. I felt like an outsider watching my co-workers discuss the fun time they had the night before or over the weekend, whether is was out for drinks, dancing or karaoke. They would invite me and I would decline. One day my wonderful hubby told me to just go and I couldn't believe it, I had fun.

My trouble hasn't been making friends it has been keeping friends. I never hold back what i think and I say things I shouldn't. I don't appreciate secrets and I'll them on things I know. While I know most people don't like this about me, it is who I am.

Most people don't know this about me because if you look at me I am always smiling and laughing, even if I'm alone, but what no ever see is that fun loving happy person they see is at the verge of tears in public and always crying inside.

I do believe friends can bring us something special, I also know they can bring us many years of heart ache. So the term BFF doesn't exist for me and can't say that it ever will.