I can't believe how time has flown by. its already February 2011.

I have to start on a positive note. I love being in Arizona. The hospital I work in is amazing, and the people I work with are from a different planet. Everyone here is thoughtful with one another and they help each other. I have felt welcome from day one. I keep waiting for someone to yell at me for something but they don't. when you drive around people smile and wave at you, there is always someone asking if they can help. I never knew people could be this way. In California people are always in too much of a hurry to care about anyone else or any thing other than them selves. This is awe inspiring to be a part of.
My family seems to love it here as well. The boys have school only Monday through Thursday, thought I would hate that but its kind of nice. Waiting to see what will come of my husband dream to open a restaurant.

On the negative note I still feel kind lost. I can't seem to find the shore in this lake I'm in. I wear a smile on my face and push on through the day as if all is well. I feel as if I have been lost and no one knows where to find me or even cares if I make it through. It's hard sometimes. I left what few friends I had behind and haven't really made any here. Not any I would bring in close to my heart. As wonderful and nice as the people here are, I still feel like an outsider, even in my home. I don't know what to do to create a change in me or my life. It truly feels as if I am walking a fine line between normal and insane, and it doesn't help when I have to keep things bottled up inside. I know my family doesn't want to know when I'm in pain or that something hurts physically, I know this because I see the tune out on my families faces or the wonderful eye roll. So I have stopped voicing my aches and pains and suffer in silence and just say I'm OK when asked. As for what I think about anything in particular, I need to learn to keep those opinions to myself they only start fights, every stinking time.

No one need leave advice I just need a place to go where I am not judged and I chose my blog to do it in.

Alone

It has been a long time since I was here writing things down. So much for the promise to myself to keep a daily journal.

Things have been extremely hard since I lost my son. Some days I can't even see straight.

We decided to move to Arizona, and things have happened pretty quickly. So much so that I have been living here by myself for the past month. I can now understand why a convict can go insane from being placed into solitary confinement. Most days aren't to bad and I do have my new job. But today has been the absolute worse day, for many reasons. First and foremost I miss my family, and I miss my Robert so much so it feels as if my heart is being wrung dry.
Don't get me wrong I think in the end this is a good thing for all of us, but being in this big old house by myself with no one to talk to but the dogs, and by the way I am afraid to let them out at night cuz it's so extremely dark outside (live in the country). I can't help but feeling lonely. It didn't help that when I called my husband last night he sounded like he was having a good time, he took his mom out to dinner and a movie, while I sit here alone watching the same thing over and over cuz I still don't have cable and eating frozen dinners. I sound like a 2 year old. but I cant help the way I feel.

I feel like I have been banished from the kingdom.

I have never been alone more than a few days so this is terrifing for me. All I can do is let the tears flow because I truely don't know what else to do.

I have date next week with Robert to see Harry Potter. We had planned on it since the last movie. He may not be with me in body but he will be with me in spirit.