I can't believe how time has flown by. its already February 2011.

I have to start on a positive note. I love being in Arizona. The hospital I work in is amazing, and the people I work with are from a different planet. Everyone here is thoughtful with one another and they help each other. I have felt welcome from day one. I keep waiting for someone to yell at me for something but they don't. when you drive around people smile and wave at you, there is always someone asking if they can help. I never knew people could be this way. In California people are always in too much of a hurry to care about anyone else or any thing other than them selves. This is awe inspiring to be a part of.
My family seems to love it here as well. The boys have school only Monday through Thursday, thought I would hate that but its kind of nice. Waiting to see what will come of my husband dream to open a restaurant.

On the negative note I still feel kind lost. I can't seem to find the shore in this lake I'm in. I wear a smile on my face and push on through the day as if all is well. I feel as if I have been lost and no one knows where to find me or even cares if I make it through. It's hard sometimes. I left what few friends I had behind and haven't really made any here. Not any I would bring in close to my heart. As wonderful and nice as the people here are, I still feel like an outsider, even in my home. I don't know what to do to create a change in me or my life. It truly feels as if I am walking a fine line between normal and insane, and it doesn't help when I have to keep things bottled up inside. I know my family doesn't want to know when I'm in pain or that something hurts physically, I know this because I see the tune out on my families faces or the wonderful eye roll. So I have stopped voicing my aches and pains and suffer in silence and just say I'm OK when asked. As for what I think about anything in particular, I need to learn to keep those opinions to myself they only start fights, every stinking time.

No one need leave advice I just need a place to go where I am not judged and I chose my blog to do it in.

Alone

It has been a long time since I was here writing things down. So much for the promise to myself to keep a daily journal.

Things have been extremely hard since I lost my son. Some days I can't even see straight.

We decided to move to Arizona, and things have happened pretty quickly. So much so that I have been living here by myself for the past month. I can now understand why a convict can go insane from being placed into solitary confinement. Most days aren't to bad and I do have my new job. But today has been the absolute worse day, for many reasons. First and foremost I miss my family, and I miss my Robert so much so it feels as if my heart is being wrung dry.
Don't get me wrong I think in the end this is a good thing for all of us, but being in this big old house by myself with no one to talk to but the dogs, and by the way I am afraid to let them out at night cuz it's so extremely dark outside (live in the country). I can't help but feeling lonely. It didn't help that when I called my husband last night he sounded like he was having a good time, he took his mom out to dinner and a movie, while I sit here alone watching the same thing over and over cuz I still don't have cable and eating frozen dinners. I sound like a 2 year old. but I cant help the way I feel.

I feel like I have been banished from the kingdom.

I have never been alone more than a few days so this is terrifing for me. All I can do is let the tears flow because I truely don't know what else to do.

I have date next week with Robert to see Harry Potter. We had planned on it since the last movie. He may not be with me in body but he will be with me in spirit.

Rambling

Days seem to come and go, But they all blur together. I am still trying to make sense of it all. I pray everyday for understanding and peace. I'm not exactly sure how I feel right now, I can almost say numb. But I have to get through this I have two beautiful that still need their momma. This fog I am walking in has to lift.

A new pet peeve that I have found is I really hate when people ask "How are you doing?" I know they all mean well but truly what do they want me to say to that. I just want to scream the truth at them, but instead I smile and nod my head and say "I'm fine", " doing as well as can be expected". what's up with that. When some one asks me I always think back to that scene in "Steel Magnolias" after the funeral for Shelby, when Sally Fields blows up in front of her friends. That is what I wish I could do.

I am surviving just one day at a time. I know it will get easier in time but right now I just don't know.

Why?

It's hard to believe it has been four weeks since I saw my sons beautiful face. God how I miss it, his smile, his laugh and gorgeous curls.

I wake up everyday wishing someone would wake me up out of this nightmare. I feel like everyday is a blur, I'm only going through the motions of my world.

Everything I know tells me I should be angry, sad and heartbroken, but I feel numb. Numb, Nothing. I cant really explain because at the same time i feel nothing, I feel every emotion possible.

I am so angry I want to throw things til there's nothing let to break. I want to curl up in a ball and cry til I have nothing left to give. I want to know WHY? and at the same time I don't care, I just want my son back. I want to hear him burst through the front door and call out to me "Momma, can I have some money". I never thought I would miss those words but man do I.

I know I can be strong and my faith in God keeps me grounded but I wish I could just fall apart, even for just a little while. I am tired of being strong but the rest of my family needs me to be strong.

3 Weeks

Three weeks have gone by sine Robert passed away and I feel like life is......
I don't know I just feel like I'm going through the motions everyday. Life just seems unfair to me right now. It seems wrong that I get to walk this earth when my beautiful son cannot.
I know my head tells me it will get better, but my heart just can't stop hurting.
I find that I still look at my cell phone looking for that text from him and wondering why it's not there. This can't be true, it has to be a bad nightmare that I can't seem to arouse from.

Most days I cant find the strength to even get dressed or shower. I try for the sake of my family but just going to a friends house the other day sent me into a panic. I shouldn't be having fun, my son can't so why should I. This keeps running through my mind. Even though I know better, I can't help it. I try to force myself to do things and it feels like those around me want the old Vanessa back. I have to tell you I don't know if she will come back. I don't even remember her much. I am consumed with the pain in my heart and don't know how to get past it.

Everywhere I look, I see Robert and I AM ANGRY. Angry that he was taken from me, angry that he was taken from his family that loved him so. I know he is with Jesus and for that I am grateful. But no one asked what I wanted because I wanted him here with me for the rest of MY life.

I miss him so much. Robert was the light in my life that saved me when I was young. When I had him I realized that there was more to life than what I wanted. He showed me how to love someone with my whole heart from the moment I knew he existed. He is with my Lord and with my parents this I know yet it doesn't make it any easier.

Dear God, please give me strength.

I am sorry as I read it over my thoughts bounce around. I am in a place that both confuses and frustrates me .

Spirits?

A few mights ago I had a vision? Maybe a dream?

I was tire so I went to bed early last Thursday night. At some point i can remember trying to turn over and unable because the blanket was stuck. I can't say if I opened my eyes or was dreaming but it felt so real. What i saw was my father in law, sitting on the edge of the bed and on my blanket. i should probably share that he passed away over two years ago. he just sat there with a peaceful look on his face. A few moments latter i heard a noise in the room and saw my husband walking to the bathroom, I remember rolling over and saying, "hey, you dad was just here." .

In the morning before I fulling awoke, my husband kissed me goodbye and said I love you. then as I tried to snuggle my face back into my pillow and go back to sleep I heard some one from behind me say "Mom". I sat straight up and looked around, I was alone in the room except for my two little puppies. My boys were in their rooms. The voice I heard was Robert's. I can swear it.

Two visits in one night. I could be crazy, or maybe just miss them. But I think its neither. Why my father in law and not my Dad? I believe he came to me to ensure that I was OK, that I am strong enough to take care of the boys yet in my hair. I heard Robert calling me for reasons I don't know. But I have to believe that my loved ones are together and watching over me and my boys (all three of them, including my hubby).

My heart and soul misses Robert so much there are moments I can't stand it and want to lash out. People mean well with their words of concern such as "in time things will get better", "I understand what you're going through." I know they want to help but these words only make me angry.

Because will things really be better in time, are they implying that someday that void in my heart and soul will go away. Really?
And no one truly understands what I am going through unless they have lost a child so young. I pray that this pain is received by anyone I love or know. its unbearable most of the time.

Please don't say I'm strong, because I'm not. I am just a good actress.

Time.

As I sit here, I come to the realization that it has been two weeks since I lost my son. I cannot explain the ache I have in my heart.

I know that time will make things better but I still can't believe the events of the past few weeks. I am off of work for now to heal not only from my foot surgery but to cope with the loss of my Robert.

I never in my wildest of wildest dreams or nightmares believed I could still be standing through all of this.
But I know I have an army of friends and family that love me and my husband and our two boys. Without them I do not know what I would have done.

now I am left with memories and pictures.

My focus is on Trevor and Kevin, Robert's younger brothers. I can't get enough of them right now. They occupy my thoughts and make me smile. They are the most wonderful gifts I have. They remind me of the happy moments with Robert and I see him in their smile.

Do you know that I have never seen a YOOHOO truck in my town and in the past week I have seen 2. I'd like to think its my son saying "I miss you Mom, and I'm right here."

God's Gift

I can recall many people who have told Robert that he had a special gift and that he had work to do here for God. His very first job was rescuing me.

Well I would like to tell everyone that he must've had many jobs to do for God because, let me tell you about one of the greatest gifts God gave me.

During the summer of 1990, I realized I was pregnant. I will admit that for a while I was scared. I would ask how can I do this, even more so when Robert's biological father walked away from both of us. As the months went by, I had no doubt that my life was going to change but the fear I felt initially was gone. I knew from the moment I found out I was pregnant that I would have a boy. And as I tried to decide upon his name my first thought was to name him after his dad. That idea only lasted a couple of days, because that was all it took to decide to give him the name of the greatest man I had known, my Dad. So then on Tuesday morning March 26, 1991 at about 2:22 AM Robert Earl Weaver came into my life.

I feel that you should know he has always been late for everything. From school to work even way back when he was born. He was supposed to be born on March 17 (St. Patrick's day) but NO he had to make us all wait, especially me.

That's OK, I waited, and when he finally came I couldn't believe that God had given me such a precious gift, he was beautiful, he was perfect (still is).

I have accepted that he is gone from my presence but he will never be gone from my life and my heart. Some moments are better than others. Its those moments when I can think of him and smile that I try and hold onto.
Like when a Taylor Swift song comes on the radio and I can hear him sitting in the seat next to me in the car singing. and Strangely enough when I look at his Hooka pipe or bong(not sure what it's called) I can think back to a couple weeks before his accident and smile at the evening he got me to try something new (he always made fun of me because I wouldn't try anything new), and we just sat in the back yard and talked for over an hour while we smoked on that peace pipe.

I will always thank God for the friendship Robert and I developed these past few months. My heart will never be whole again but I know Robert would want me to be strong for his brothers sake.

I want to thank God for the 19 years he gave me with my son, though I would have liked more, I am eternally grateful for every moment I had with him.

Til we meet again Son, Momma loves you with all her heart.

Roseanne

Have you never watched a television sitcom and wondered, "who gave them permission to use my life".

I see that allot when I watch "Roseanne" and "According to Jim."

Roseanne was taped long before I married my husband so i know its not based on our lives but the similarities are uncanny.

I can be a loud mouth just like Roseanne, no really, I know its hard to believe but I can. I like to make fun of my kids when I get the chance. My husband is like Dan in that he works hard, deals with my crap and also likes messing with the kids.
Unlike Roseanne we don't have any girls, we have three boys. But they are similar to the Conner kids in their own right. We have one that thinks he's always right and always wanted to be treated like an adult and makes choices we don't always agree with. We have a middle child that likes to push our buttons every chance he gets. And then there is the youngest who loves and idolizes us.

Then there is the show According to Jim. As I watch Jim and Cheryl, I wonder who has bugged my home and is using the happenings for this sitcom.
Jim and I could have an argument about something and I'd be damned if it wasn't the topic of the show in a week or two.

It's fun to watch these shows because when my life becomes hard I can see if I step back and look at it from a different angle it can be comical once its over. Life is hard enough, its good to laugh once in a while, even at ourselves.

To Dream or not To Dream

Well this is only day 3 of my posts and already I have a late one.

I wasn't feeling well an I went to bed before putting any thoughts down, no excuses, shame on me. I do have a problem following through on things, so i hope that committing myself to a daily blog will help me with that attribute.

I woke up around 2am, feeling horrified. I knew my husband was just coming to bed and all I could do was ask him if my oldest son Robert was home. When he said he was I breathed a sigh of relief and allowed myself to fall back to sleep.

I had a horrifying dream that sent me in a panic. I can recall that something terrible had happened to Robert and I was burying him. When I woke up this morning I could no longer remember the details, dang I hate that. I do remember it was nothing usual and it wasn't related to him joining the military. I think it has to do with my fear of losing him period. I am so glad to see him sleeping on the sofa in the livingroom this morning.

We all dream but why is it we only remember a very small percentage of them?

Getting Old Sucks!!!

I had foot surgery a couple of days ago to help relieve some chronic pain I have when I walk. I am not supposed to put any weight on that foot and I'm to walk with crutches. Well easier said than done.

For those of you who don't know me, I weigh 215 pounds and I will admit I'm not in the best shape, and to top it off I am still dealing with next and shoulder pain from a work injury.

Well anyway I have been attempting to hobble along on the crutches and have found that it is definitely very hard. I had to resort to crawling on my hands and knees to the bathroom because using the crutches was becoming painful. But after only 3 trips to the ladies room my knees felt like someone had smacked them with a sledge hammer.

So for today I tried not to drink as much, so that I wouldn't have to make as many trips to the bathroom, and when I did, I found that I had to use the tip of my walking boot to make it anywhere, Which we all know only caused more pain to the incision site. Not to mention the couple of times I lost my balance and my heel slammed down to the ground. Talk about verbalizing expletives. (I think the neighbors heard me).
My neck and shoulders are on fire, my back is screaming, my lower abdomen feels like it could rip apart and not to mention every muscle in my body is screaming at me to never do this again.

My honey was kind enough to stop at the American Legion Post 53, and at my mother in laws request they lent me a wheelchair. Granted I have to roll myself around but at least the rest of my body will calm down.

Wow Getting old sucks.

Smile!

Have you ever just found yourself smiling for the simplest of reasons. I did yesterday. I was on my way home from the store when a smile and a memory took me over. For those who don't know me I love vampire stories, so of course I am a Twihard fan. Anyway, on my way home I was thinking of a movie I had just rented from a Redbox, when I remembered a conversation I had had with my oldest son the night before. He will take any opportunity to make fun of me and this was one. I had been talking about renting "Remember Me", when Robert(my son) proceeded to make fun of me for being infatuated with Robert Pattinson and wanting to see it only because of him. My son was kind enough to let me know Rob P can't act and that this movie would be horrible. Well as you can tell he doesn't feel the same as I do in regards to vampires.

Well anywho, I was thinking about the movie I had just rented when I couldn't stop smiling and my sons' razing me came into mind.

It's moments like that that make me feel good.

I had foot surgery yesterday, and I'm doing good this AM, so now I want to take some time to contemplate what comes next for me. I have in general been feeling out of sorts and like I don't belong anywhere. You know like when you feel there is something more you should be doing with your life. I'll be forty in a couple months so I'm pretty sure it has midlife crisis written all over it.

I am setting a goal for myself these next couple of months. I am going to use this blog to write down my thoughts everyday while I am on leave from work. I want to see if buy writing my thoughts down here for all to see, if I can find my passion again and find some direction in my life.

Please bear with my ramblings, and pray that I find what I need.

Time

Wow, time has flown by this year.

I can't believe it almost time for Christmas.

My birthday was this past weekend and I had a really nice time. My husband surprised me with some friends and gifts. He is such a sweetie, most of the time.(no ones perfect). The only thing missing was my mom. Every year she would give me a gift that had absolutely no rhyme or reason. Just something she came across, that she felt I should have. I miss that gift this year and I missed my lunch date with her. We weren't as close as we should have been but I think of her allot. I am glad she is at peace but I can't help but wish she were still here with me.

Halloween, we had a party and some good times and laughter with friends. One of them did leave unexpectedly without saying a word. I'm sure there is good reason but I don't understand, she had talked about hanging out and having fun for weeks. Whatever it was I can only hope she would know that if it was what I think it was, I wish she would have said something so that I could have made the choice not leaving so suddenly and letting me worry about her.

Oh well, I am learning to deal with disappointment and changes life keeps throwing my way.

I would like some time of peace in my home. If anyone can help let me know.

Is it enough?

As I drop off my youngest son at school, I can't help but wonder have I given my children enough?

I'm not talking material things because in that respect they got to much, but did I give them enough of me.

I always wanted to be the kind of mom that walked my kids to school, was there waiting when they got out. I wanted to be the volunteer in their class, and be there for every game, practice and performance. But some how through like I am not that person. i would on some days rather be at work instead of at home with them. Why? Is it wrong of me? I love my boys with all my heart and would throw myself in front of a bullet for any one of them.

I see moms out there that that's all they do, and they seem to love it.

I guess I will never know. All I can do is tell them how much I love them and be there when they call.

so here and now for the world to see I want my three boys to know I love them.

I love you Robert

I love you Trevor

I love you Kevin

You three are my world. I may not be the mom I dreamed of but I am your mom and that makes my life worth while.

Falling

On Sunday night i participate in a bowling league, and this Sunday was no different. I arrived to the alley not feeling 100% but I chalked it up to a long day and stress.I was holding up fairly well until the third game. I was having a great game of spares and strikes when in the middle of the game I got up to take my turn and the world caved in on me.

I remember setting myself, looking at the pins and then the arrows on the lane in preparation to throw my ball. I can recall taking my first steps then nothing. The world went black and the next thing I saw was the oily lane a mere inches from my face and the searing pain that was shooting threw me.

I don't really know what happened I felt nothing specific prior to the blackout except I just didn't feel right. My knees are black and blue, swollen and extremely sore. My wrists are sore, because I apparently threw my hands out when I fell. My right elbow aches from hitting on the lane. My back, waist and shoulders are stiff and sore from the impact. Not to mention my ego is bruised from falling in front of a bowling alley full of people I know well. Apparently I made a loud thud when I hit the lane.

Just so no one worries I will be seeing my doctor on Tuesday and discussing the event.

What really sucks is I think I was on a roll to my high game of the season.

Exhaustion has set in!!!

This has been a rough year from day one and I have been on an emotional roller coaster the entire time. I can't believe how extremely tired I am. I am physically tired, mentally exhausted and emotionally drained. The depression I guess is what I will call it hits me in waves and rolls right over me without warning. More so these past couple of weeks than before.

Physically my body has had enough with the rough recovery from my hysterectomy and tummy tuck that has left me with scar tissue and continued pain, to the chronic joint pain my doctor won't medicate me for, not to mention the fact that there is no time to stop with my two youngest in two different schools and sports. the house has gotten away from me and with no time to clean it, it seems it will always stay two steps ahead(that's if a house could stay two steps ahead).

Emotionally and mentally it has been a trying year. Dealing with the slow healing of my large abdominal wound left me feeling hopeless, alone and scared of the worst. Then dealing with my oldest son and the issues he's had to deal with. Followed by the fight with my best friend and the the blowout with my son that led to kicking him out. My nerves and mental state have been at their wits end. And just when I thought everything would begin to resolve and my life would begin a turn toward normalcy I unexpectedly lose my mom and a close family friend moved away. Since her death I have been so busy that I can hardly stay awake to enjoy any quiet time. I'm usually asleep before my boys are.

I feel like such a whiner, but you know one person can only take so much before they reach their breaking point. There is so much to do on my days off that I sometimes would rather be at work for some down time. My mind never seems to stop and I don't feel as if I have gotten any rest in who knows how long. I stand in the middle of my home and as I look around all I see are counters that need to be cleaned and trash emptied, pets to care for, dishes in the sink, clothes piled up needing to be washed and kids that need help with homework and baths. Not to mention the front room filled with boxes from my moms house that I need to find homes for. My car looks like I live in it and the rest of the world continues to move forward.

I have been at the verge of tears all day today, and I feel as if my heart is heavy and my soul is broken. I feel lost and all I can do is cling to my Lord and savior, he's the only one that can help me through.

This has been such a hard and lonely time for me,I pray that God leads me to happier times.

Busy

Life has been so heck tick around here. With the aftermath of my mom's sudden death, then cleaning out her mobile, getting it ready for sale then the two youngest boys getting sick with sore throats and high fevers, over 103.0. I haven't had much time for myself.

I have decided that even though I love facebook it has consumed my life. I have found that I'm no longer reading the books I love. And believe it or not I began writing a story of my own a few months ago that got put on the back burner because of facebook.

I wrote out a twelve step program for facebook just like the 12 steps for AA. so I hope to be making less frequent stop ins to facebook and spend more time with the people I love and the things I enjoy doing.

And maybe, just maybe I'll finish writing my story maybe it will be a book someday. Hey a girl can dream.

Work

Some days are so much longer than others. I can tell you that with out a doubt I love what I do for a living. I AM A REGISTERED NURSE.

Today was a trying day, more so than others. I have been placed in the position of charge nurse fro time to time lately, and it's usually not so bad. I have even applied to hopefully be place in that position officially. Yet there are some days I stand in the nurses station and wonder what the hell have I gotten myself into.

Today I realized that if I could make it to the end of my twelve hour shift, I could do anything. My unit at its fullest can hold up to 35 patients at any given time. It is a monitored cardiac unit. I don't think I have ever seen it full to it's capacity, but today, WOW. We started with 33 patients discharged and transferred many, and admitted 10 more, to end the shift with 34 patients and many still holding in the ER. I had nine nurses working with me today and four of them came from another unit to help out, so with everything these poor women did their best, despite all the work being passed their way.

With only one nurses aide for the first half of the day and no secretary except for a total of three and a half hours the entire day, my nurses rocked. With patients being discharged and transferred, patients going bad and dying and other patients being admitted, I didn't hear any one of them complain that they couldn't handle their patient assignment.

All I could do was help them as much as I could while in turn getting my assignments done. i am not truly sure what to say except that Tower 2, 5th floor ROCKS the house. I love the group of nurses I work with, I can't always stand them to be honest but I love them. We are a family on that floor and I would be honored if I am chosen to be one of their team leaders.

I know our hospital has its issues, especially financial issues, but if had to be taken are of by someone it would be the fifth floor nurses. Oh wait they did take care of me after my hysterectomy/tummy tuck last November. They were awesome.

For any of my fellow coworkers that may read this: I love you and I wouldn't trade anyone of you for anything. Thank you for the fabulous care you gave me after my surgery and for the love you all have shown me through the hard times that have come my way these past few months. I know that we laugh, we cry and fight and go out and have fun, but those are all attributes of a true family.

I LOVE YOU ALL.

My patients and my coworkers are what lets me know I made the right decision in becoming a nurse.

What kids say:)

Yesterday after I finished cleaning out my moms mobile I picked up my two youngest boys and the little one who is only five said,

"Mom, I know why grandma's radio is in your truck."

"Really" I said, "Why?"

He replied, "because grandma's in Heaven now with Jesus."

How more precious and simple can it be.

Momma

On Saturday August 29th I lost my mom, and on Friday Sept 4th I lay her to rest.

My mom was a feisty little Mexican lady. She was a great lady. We didn't always see eye to eye, but how many mother and daughters do. I will always remember watching my mom work two jobs and give up the things she needed for the things I wanted. That is who she was, all the way down to her grandchildren. Her underwear would have holes but she would by me that top, or shoes that I didn't need instead of replacing the stuff she needed.

My mom had suffered for over twenty years with debilitating rheumatoid arthritis. Then coupled it with diabetes and high blood pressure. In her final years my mom became frail, so frail that she began to fall repeatedly,, but she wouldn't give up. She was strong.

My mom was a great mom and did the best with what she had. Despite our differences and arguments we had quite frequently I would never trade her for the world. I now take comfort in the fact that her pain is over and she is finally happy and with loved ones that went before her. i will miss her more than I can say. My heart hurts because she is gone but it also smiles at knowing she no longer has the pain she had here on earth.

We will all miss you so much momma. I love you with all my heart. Rest in peace, until we meet again.