Exhaustion has set in!!!

This has been a rough year from day one and I have been on an emotional roller coaster the entire time. I can't believe how extremely tired I am. I am physically tired, mentally exhausted and emotionally drained. The depression I guess is what I will call it hits me in waves and rolls right over me without warning. More so these past couple of weeks than before.

Physically my body has had enough with the rough recovery from my hysterectomy and tummy tuck that has left me with scar tissue and continued pain, to the chronic joint pain my doctor won't medicate me for, not to mention the fact that there is no time to stop with my two youngest in two different schools and sports. the house has gotten away from me and with no time to clean it, it seems it will always stay two steps ahead(that's if a house could stay two steps ahead).

Emotionally and mentally it has been a trying year. Dealing with the slow healing of my large abdominal wound left me feeling hopeless, alone and scared of the worst. Then dealing with my oldest son and the issues he's had to deal with. Followed by the fight with my best friend and the the blowout with my son that led to kicking him out. My nerves and mental state have been at their wits end. And just when I thought everything would begin to resolve and my life would begin a turn toward normalcy I unexpectedly lose my mom and a close family friend moved away. Since her death I have been so busy that I can hardly stay awake to enjoy any quiet time. I'm usually asleep before my boys are.

I feel like such a whiner, but you know one person can only take so much before they reach their breaking point. There is so much to do on my days off that I sometimes would rather be at work for some down time. My mind never seems to stop and I don't feel as if I have gotten any rest in who knows how long. I stand in the middle of my home and as I look around all I see are counters that need to be cleaned and trash emptied, pets to care for, dishes in the sink, clothes piled up needing to be washed and kids that need help with homework and baths. Not to mention the front room filled with boxes from my moms house that I need to find homes for. My car looks like I live in it and the rest of the world continues to move forward.

I have been at the verge of tears all day today, and I feel as if my heart is heavy and my soul is broken. I feel lost and all I can do is cling to my Lord and savior, he's the only one that can help me through.

This has been such a hard and lonely time for me,I pray that God leads me to happier times.

Busy

Life has been so heck tick around here. With the aftermath of my mom's sudden death, then cleaning out her mobile, getting it ready for sale then the two youngest boys getting sick with sore throats and high fevers, over 103.0. I haven't had much time for myself.

I have decided that even though I love facebook it has consumed my life. I have found that I'm no longer reading the books I love. And believe it or not I began writing a story of my own a few months ago that got put on the back burner because of facebook.

I wrote out a twelve step program for facebook just like the 12 steps for AA. so I hope to be making less frequent stop ins to facebook and spend more time with the people I love and the things I enjoy doing.

And maybe, just maybe I'll finish writing my story maybe it will be a book someday. Hey a girl can dream.

Work

Some days are so much longer than others. I can tell you that with out a doubt I love what I do for a living. I AM A REGISTERED NURSE.

Today was a trying day, more so than others. I have been placed in the position of charge nurse fro time to time lately, and it's usually not so bad. I have even applied to hopefully be place in that position officially. Yet there are some days I stand in the nurses station and wonder what the hell have I gotten myself into.

Today I realized that if I could make it to the end of my twelve hour shift, I could do anything. My unit at its fullest can hold up to 35 patients at any given time. It is a monitored cardiac unit. I don't think I have ever seen it full to it's capacity, but today, WOW. We started with 33 patients discharged and transferred many, and admitted 10 more, to end the shift with 34 patients and many still holding in the ER. I had nine nurses working with me today and four of them came from another unit to help out, so with everything these poor women did their best, despite all the work being passed their way.

With only one nurses aide for the first half of the day and no secretary except for a total of three and a half hours the entire day, my nurses rocked. With patients being discharged and transferred, patients going bad and dying and other patients being admitted, I didn't hear any one of them complain that they couldn't handle their patient assignment.

All I could do was help them as much as I could while in turn getting my assignments done. i am not truly sure what to say except that Tower 2, 5th floor ROCKS the house. I love the group of nurses I work with, I can't always stand them to be honest but I love them. We are a family on that floor and I would be honored if I am chosen to be one of their team leaders.

I know our hospital has its issues, especially financial issues, but if had to be taken are of by someone it would be the fifth floor nurses. Oh wait they did take care of me after my hysterectomy/tummy tuck last November. They were awesome.

For any of my fellow coworkers that may read this: I love you and I wouldn't trade anyone of you for anything. Thank you for the fabulous care you gave me after my surgery and for the love you all have shown me through the hard times that have come my way these past few months. I know that we laugh, we cry and fight and go out and have fun, but those are all attributes of a true family.

I LOVE YOU ALL.

My patients and my coworkers are what lets me know I made the right decision in becoming a nurse.

What kids say:)

Yesterday after I finished cleaning out my moms mobile I picked up my two youngest boys and the little one who is only five said,

"Mom, I know why grandma's radio is in your truck."

"Really" I said, "Why?"

He replied, "because grandma's in Heaven now with Jesus."

How more precious and simple can it be.

Momma

On Saturday August 29th I lost my mom, and on Friday Sept 4th I lay her to rest.

My mom was a feisty little Mexican lady. She was a great lady. We didn't always see eye to eye, but how many mother and daughters do. I will always remember watching my mom work two jobs and give up the things she needed for the things I wanted. That is who she was, all the way down to her grandchildren. Her underwear would have holes but she would by me that top, or shoes that I didn't need instead of replacing the stuff she needed.

My mom had suffered for over twenty years with debilitating rheumatoid arthritis. Then coupled it with diabetes and high blood pressure. In her final years my mom became frail, so frail that she began to fall repeatedly,, but she wouldn't give up. She was strong.

My mom was a great mom and did the best with what she had. Despite our differences and arguments we had quite frequently I would never trade her for the world. I now take comfort in the fact that her pain is over and she is finally happy and with loved ones that went before her. i will miss her more than I can say. My heart hurts because she is gone but it also smiles at knowing she no longer has the pain she had here on earth.

We will all miss you so much momma. I love you with all my heart. Rest in peace, until we meet again.