Never more than we can handle

The past couple of weeks I have had to do some major soul searching. I have had to look so deep within myself to find the strength I would need to make some hard decisions.

My mom feel a couple weeks ago for what I believe is the seventh time this year. When she was finally brought in to the emergency room she was severely dehydrated and septic. I realized at this point that she could no longer live alone. I have been pushing this idea away for months, but it was now time to act.After four days in the hospital she was placed in a nursing home for some rehab. She made me promise years ago that I wouldn't put her in a home and look at what I had done.

The day the took her there I come to make sure she was OK, and when I told her she would only be there for rehab until she built her strength back, she asked where did I get the idea they would help her. She may have been confused but she was right. Within two days they lost her dentures and she wouldn't stop saying she was in pain. My momma has been dealing with her pain for decades, and when I asked the nurse if she was getting her pain medication she said yes. What she failed to inform me of, was that they changed the frequency and the amount. It broke my heart.

When I got home and told my husband all he could say was when do you want to bring her home. i wasn't sure until he went to see her because I was at work. He called and said she's coming home as soon as I can get a room built for her. My wonderful husband said "she's not staying one minute longer than absolutely necessary." We can't add a room to our house right that wold be to expensive. So we came up with next best thing. I have a formal living room and dining room one the first floor of our home, so my husband is putting up a wall with a door for her. It will be big enough for her bed, her recliner and dresser with a TV in it, and of course she will always have access to the rest of the house.

I'm not quite sure how I will handle taking care of my mom as her health continues to fade but one thing I am sure of; and that is with God at my side I WILL keep my promise to my mom, and she will never return to a nursing home as long as she has me.

My mom and I haven't always seen eye to eye on things, but beyond everything we have said and done to each other we have always loved the other. I can still remember all the things she gave up because of me so maybe this is my opportunity to give something back to her.

Since i became a mom eighteen years ago I know what she sacrificed in life so that I could have better than she did. I can only hope that I did the same for my boys. I wasn't the perfect mom but I tried to show them how much I loved them and made sure they had everything I didn't and more. My Robert will tell I didn't show him that love when he was kicked out of the home he grew up in, but the tough love he received gave him just a good enough kick that look at him now, I couldn't be prouder of him.

Robert has a full time job where he works his but off and he has the ability to go straight to the top. I was so lucky that God trusted me to be his momma. Trevor continues to have the ability to make me laugh and cry all at the same time. And Kevin loves with all his heart and can make me feel like smiling even when the rest of the world isn't right. What did I do to be blessed with these boys. Aside from the bad stuff that comes with being a mom, they are wonderful.

So as I embark on this next journey of taking care of my mom now I pray to God that he guides me through each step and that he gives me the patience to deal with everything he has handed me and I believe that God never gives us more than we can handle.

Change

It has been an awfully busy past couple of weeks. Life has handed me so many trials, I'm having trouble keeping up.

My best friend, ditched me, it looks like for good now. I'm still trying to figure out the true happenings around what truly happened. All I know is that I was feed one story that wasn't totally true and when I tried to protect or defend my friend, I was the one in the wrong. I was told that by defending her I was meddling where I didn't belong. I have always spoken my mind and I have always believed that you protect and defend those you love. I think it all actually boils down to if she wouldn't have deceive me first, I would not have felt the need to protect her. We were both wrong. And when she left for her vacation I had hoped that would be our chance to let things go and get past all of this, but again I was wrong. Before she left we were both at a midnight showing for Harry Potter, in separate theaters. We were texting before and after the movie. It broke my heart we were supposed to go together. This brought me hope. then she went on her trip and i couldn't wait for her to come back so that we could start fresh. Then out of no where she deleted me, but no one else in my family. I felt as if someone had stuck a dagger in my heart. Someone somewhere told her that I was saying horrible things, when I hadn't said a thing. I was just waiting for her return to try and start over. Now I have no idea if we can ever get back from this. Whoever fueled the fire I hope they are proud of themselves.

Then there is my son. I can't believe he's so grown up. He has been my pride and joy since before he was even born. Every day has not been easy being his mother, but there is not one day I would trade. The past couple of months have not been easy between us. I t came down to asking him to move out and him living with his grandmother for a couple of weeks. But for as much as that hurt me, he responded by being extremely hurt and I don't blame him, he had every right to be upset with me. Yet out of the ashes he rose with a great job and now he has his own apartment with his girlfriend. He will never believe how proud of him I am, and as his mom I will always worry about him no matter how grown up he is. My son is so awesome. He was placed on this earth to do great things. I can't wait to see what he does, because he has already changed my life for the better. His light will shine so bright you all better get some dark sunglasses.

The next change is the loss of a good friend to both my husband and myself. Greg has been our bowling partner and good family friend for a decade now and a couple of weeks ago he came to us and said he needed to make a change. With the look in his eye and the change in his demeanor I knew the change had already been decided. I know when he told us I wasn't very receptive of the idea because again in a short amount of time I was losing someone I cared about. I know I came across to Greg in a negative way, it wasn't because I didn't wish him well, it was my own defense mechanism protecting my heart that was breaking even more at another loss. We didn't know how long it would be before he left us for good but now I know he is leaving us within this next week. I was kind of cold and stand offish when he talked about where he was moving and when he said we would remain good friends. I know better. We may remain friends but our friendship will never be anything like it is now. So not only is he leaving us with an empty spot on our bowling team he is leaving an empty spot in our hearts.

So it is painfully obvious that I am not fond of change. But that is only because I rarely let people into my inner circle of family and friends, but those that do make it in, I love whole heartedly. I would move mountains for All three of them(Heather, Robert and Greg) if I could.

I now need to find a way to move past all of this and I have to try to not let the things that have happened in the past few months make me bitter.

I love you all and wish you all the happiness life has to offer.